December 2009

Over the course of a decade Jan had grown a complex, gnarled sense of himself that he was constantly trying to bend into something new. Every time he believed he had accomplished a desired transformation, some trailing element of his old self would snap his creation into an unrecognizable abomination. Lyon was particularly nasty. On sunny days, his eyes still burned from the pesticides. Most of Jan’s family was buried under an oak tree in St Petersburg and he often wondered whether once he had expired, the Russians would allow his body across the border.

He remembered being pushed up against the bark of the white oak by his mother, sometime after his grandmother had passed. She delivered a rhythmic monologue and punctuated every sentence by pushing Jan further into the tree. Under great pressure, the tree’s rough bark had crumbled against his own soft skin until he felt the two had fused forever. Minutes later, his mother was gone. The sun was fixed on the back of his arms and some gelatin candy had melted in his back pocket. There was some manner of rodent living inside the oak and a decisive part of his nine year old psyche was determined to scale the living monolith.

Below, his sister and a classmate hummed with inane chatter and were piling bon bon’s into their mouths with reckless abandon. As he got further up the tree he noticed the branches becoming weaker and softer, barely able to support his weight. As he placed his hand around the second highest branch, the tree expelled him towards the earth where he cracked his skull, sending the two fat girls into hysteria.

When he lurched back to consciousness several hours later, he was in a wine cellar. A physician and family friend offered a grim explanation of the events following his concussion. Nearby the great oak, his mother had met a group of environmental activists she had helped mobilize during her doctorate at Moscow State University. The group was then responsible for fifteen acts of environmental terrorism violent enough to give the Earth Liberation Front reason to pause. A horticulturalist named Ebert Savoie had leaked the location of the meeting to the KGB, who had rounded up his mother and her colleagues in navy blue unmarked trucks.

They were never seen again, but in 1991 during the dismantling of the KGB, Jan received a letter notifying him that he and any offspring bearing his name would never be welcome in Russia again. He noticed the word offspring was in bold and italicized. This disturbed him profoundly.

____________________________

The many years that passed crowded around him, fooling him into believing he was someone else. He poured a glass of wine for himself and a peculiar American journalist. They were in the very same wine cellar, the place where his mother’s death had been carelessly grafted to his life. The journalist was from Washington D.C. and drank his wine as if he believed it would give him paranormal abilities.

“Do you always take this much liberty with the generosity of your sources?” Jan asked pointedly as he refilled the newsman’s glass.

The man laughed, “By the end of the Kyoto summit in 97, I had tasted enough sake to combust and propel an aircraft back home!” he introduced himself as Jesse Renmar.

“Aside from the Chardonnay, I’m not sure why you’ve chosen to interview a washed up environmentalist like me. My organization has a booth right outside the Bella Center, coincidentally where all the action – and the gainfully employed journalists – are located.” Jan said playfully.

“Oh you may have fooled the twitter jockeys Jan, but I know your up to something. All the sake and chardonnay in the world won’t wash away the trouble you caused in The Hague. Or how about the “non-violent” protests in Montreal? I’m willing to bet the little time you spent in prison gave you the opportunity to plan something extraordinary for Copenhagen.” Renmar paused, and took a deep drink of wine “I’m not saying I want to interfere Jan, I just want to be here for the party”

“I’m sorry to disappoint you but the most I planned to do over the next few days is help hand out some leaflets and sort my plastics from glass. At my age, I can’t afford to do jail time.” Jan said. He observed Renmar’s face, which remained completely unconvinced and added, “If you must know Jesse, I’ve got a girlfriend. Okay?”

“No shit? Is she a vegan” Renmar chuckled, “Seriously though, that’s great. I’ve been covering the environmental beat for as long as you’ve been an activist and I have to admit – you’ve always been better with the women. But I know you’re up to something dangerous. Refill my glass if it’s a bomb. Refill your own if it’s a protest”

“I get more women because I keep my mouth shut” Jan said, leaving both wine glasses alone.

Renmar pretended to check his cell phone for a long moment before saying “I guess I’ll refill my own glass goddammit”

____________________________

The Chardonnay having significantly diminished his sense of balance, Renmar took extra care as he ascended the stairs of wine cellar. As soon as the outdoor air his his face, he felt his cell phone burst to life with missed calls, voicemails and news alerts. The cellar’s thick stones had proved even more disorienting than the white wine. As he lazily scrolled through his messages, two things rapidly became clear to him. First, that their meeting in the wine cellar was no chance event and second that during the interview, Jan and his organization had kidnapped 5 ministers of the environment from the U.N. summit on climate change. He rushed back down into the cellar and as he expected, all that he found were two empty bottles of wine. He felt compelled to pick up a bottle and read it’s label out loud.

Classic Russian River Chardonnay exhibiting aromas of vibrant fruit married to toasty oak. Full bodied, round, good depth of fruit, medium long finish. Flavors of citrus fruit, apple, lime, roasted nut and toasted oak.

November 3 – 23, 2009

Two Days Until Launch: Bixby returned from lunch with a familiar look that instantly shook Francis to the core. Bixby was his boss – sort of – and this look in particular was reserved for days when taco bell had not successfully filled his lunch order or when the staff had not filled it’s sales quota. The large bag of grease Bixby was carrying along with him suggested it was the later and so Francis decided this would be a good time to take his break.

Francis worked in a wasteland disguised as a mall in the heart of mid western American. It was a cold November day and as a result he had the choice to spend his break in the food court or visiting Janelle, a friend of his who worked at a store that sold electric massage chairs. As he strode into the store, Janelles co-workers smiled at first and then frowned when they recognized him, realizing he was not here to buy a chair. Janelle was actually with a customer, something Francis had never seen before and this amused him. He sat himself in a chair right in front Janelle and her potential customer and turned the massage setting on “deep sea”.

As the the chair began gyrating Francis began emitting low grunts while struggling to suppress laughter. he careful moved the dial from “deep sea” to “rainforest rumble”. Some of his skin started slapping against the firm leather and the middle aged woman Janelle was speaking to suddenly lost interest in buying a massage chair.

As the customer walked away, Janelle sat in the chair next to Francis and called him ass.

“I suppose I deserve that. It just looked so unnatural, you talking to a customer and all..” he explained

Janelle turned her chair on and sighed, “Don’t think I won’t come into Gamestop after work and make you explain to me every feature of some terrible Twilight video game or something”

“I’m pretty sure I’m going to get chewed out for not selling enough modern warfare 2 pre orders when I get back. That’s why I came here” he began before she could stop him from talking about video games.

“Sounds rough Fran. I’m real sympathetic” Fran interrupted, “this…” she paused and waved her hand towards the mall corridor “is where the real modern warfare is happening. And you and I are severely outranked”

One Day Until Launch: Bixby was pressing on Francis and the other Gamestop staff so hard to sell the new Activision shooter that the pitch was now a part of their greeting. Francis had offered so many people Modern Warfare 2 pre-orders by the time Janelle came to visit him that he even offered her one when she greeted him. After she had finished laughing she said very loudly “Not with that sales pitch junior!” and walked away.

That night they were to receive the shipment of games at 11pm and so Francis had to stay late and spend two hours processing pre-order forms. There would be a midnight launch and a line was already forming. Bixby was spending the two hours in between playing poker with the equally sloth like beings at mall security.

As Francis processed the order forms his mind began to wander. He thought about his ex girlfriend who had moved to California to go to college, he would have gone with her but his family couldn’t afford to send him. He wondered if he should just get over it and go on a date with Janelle or if Janelle was even interested. Adults had always told him that this was the time in his life when he was allowed to take big risks to get what he wanted, but it didn’t make him feel any more confident about what he was about to do.

Bixby hurried down at 11:01 and barked at Francis with alcohol on his breath to go check for the delivery. By 11:30 the delivery had still not arrived and Bixby was in the process of losing a lung on the phone with the shipping company. Francis placated the worried customers with gift certificates and told them the shipment might not arrive until the next morning. At a quarter past midnight, it became clear that none of these Gamestop customers would be engaging in any modern warfare that evening and a few rowdy college kids even tried to start a semi violent riot. Bixby had his buddies from security run down and disperse the crowd by brandishing their tasers with child-like glee.

When Francis finally got home, he turned his computer on and emailed his ex girlfriend to tell her he would be coming to visit this weekend. He started filling out an application to UCLA for computer science and by the time he was done, got an enthusiastic email back from her. It appeared that she still had feelings for him. He responded that he had big news to tell her in person and finally, at 2 in the morning, his cell phone rang.

He answered it and strode over to his bedroom window. It was his friend Jason who had started driving trucks out of high school. Jason had just gotten off work and had parked his SUV across the street. In the back of the SUV there were two thousand copies of Modern Warfare 2 for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360.

Francis put his coat on and smiled as he stepped out of the house. He called work and got the voice mail,

“Hi, Bixby. It’s Francis calling. I quit.”

This work draws on the following stories:
Record Sales for Modern Warfare 2, but Gaming Business Declines

October 20 – November 2nd, 2009

“This IS dress casual, besides the joke will be so funny that no one will mind! Since when do I have to get dressed up to see my own friends??”

“Jason, if think that wearing a decrepit old Unbutu t shirt to a Windows 7 Launch party is clever to the point that the normal rules don’t apply to you, you’ve totally lost your shit” Lotte said as she scrutinized her fiancé from over her thick brown eyeglass frames.

They were both computer programmers at a networking firm called Cisco in the heart of what was left of Silicon Valley. Jason was embittered by the enthusiasm for the launch of Windows 7 that imbued his friends working at Microsoft. Lotte knew this was partly due to the failed start up firm that Jason and his friends had started in the early aughts, ending with a complete lack of funding and nearly everyone but Jason leaving to work for Microsoft. In his eyes they had “sold out” although she wasn’t quite sure how working for Cisco was any more credible.

Microsoft had recently put together an excruciatingly awkward ad campaign urging the public to organize Windows 7 Launch parties with their friends. The video ad was subsequently mocked throughout the Internet and Jason’s friend Elias had initially organized this party as an ironic parody of what the ad was suggesting they do. Lotte had to admit that as the night of the party approached, the party became less of a joke and more of an actual party in support of the new Microsoft OS. From what she understood, they had even obtained the official Windows 7 launch party Kit. Being less invested in tech culture than Jason and his friends, Lotte didn’t really care what the party was about, she just wanted to have a few drinks and forget about the work week she was leaving behind.

Upon arriving at the condo Elias had recently moved into, Jason immediately began to mutter about the impersonal nature of the building. Lotte couldn’t help but suspect what made him most uncomfortable about it was that it was without a doubt objectively better than the apartment they shared.

A young woman in her twenties draped in a provocative red dress opened the door. As she brandished a bottle of cheap champagne in one hand, and caught her balance on the door frame with the other, Jason immediately began stammering about having the wrong address.

His nervousness seemed to provoke a profound recognition in her mind as she exclaimed, “OH my god, you must be Jason right.” she giggled and focused on Lotte “and you must be Lotte, come in guys I can’t believe you haven’t seen the new place yet! Elias is in the kitchen looking for this!” she raised the bottle above her head like a trophy and led the way to the kitchen.

They entered the kitchen to find two cinema displays (35 inches) running windows 7 ultimate. On one display there was an application Elias had no doubt cooked up which was randomly queuing scenes from horror films. The other seemed to be a video stream of a medley of hardcore pornography. All this was set to the sounds of an Internet radio station Elias had customized and titled “Skin FM”. Lotte burst out laughing as heads turned to acknowledge their entrance while Jason jumped in shock and kicked a chair, causing it to scrape loudly on the tile floor.

The next few hours were a blur for everyone involved. Jason had drunk himself into a jealous mood and had a huge fight with Lotte on the balcony that overlooked a myriad of identical looking condos. He stayed out there a while, found an open pack of cigarettes and started smoking them. Before he knew it he was on his fourth and was silently dividing his possessions from Lotte’s, convinced their relationship was at its end. He noticed that he couldn’t hear anyone in the kitchen anymore and decided to investigate. He was ready to leave anyways. Sure enough the kitchen was empty, both cinema displays were in a low power state and music was coming from a different room. He walked down the hallway towards the end wondering what everyone was up to. He opened the door the music was coming from, took one look in the room and threw up into his mouth.

There were limbs everywhere. The air was thick and felt as if it was buzzing around his body. The rest of the bodies he saw were naked, and he had no way of counting how many there were. Every knee and elbow was so twisted and intertwined with the next that it was impossible to tell. After recovering his senses, his immediate instinct was to leave, but then he remembered that he still hadn’t found Lotte. A rage began to build inside of him as he squinted over the sea of geeky computer programmers wearing nothing but thick black glasses acted out their seemingly insatiable urges. As he scanned the bodies, he started feel relieved when he couldn’t find Lotte, perhaps she wasn’t here. Maybe, he thought, they could drive home together and make up. Witnessing this orgy could bring them together and they would stop hanging out with Microsoft people all together.

Then a flash of red hair flew up from behind bare ass with a red hand mark branded onto its side. It was Lotte. A Korean guy named Mark who specialized in relational databases was performing cunnilingus on her. What made matters worse was the fact that his presence had still not been acknowledged by anyone. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted what must have been a deposit of cocaine on somebody’s ASUS Eee netbook and he found himself approach without hesitation. Although he had no idea how much cocaine was appropriate for the situation he had seen enough movies to get him through it. As he lifted his head from the laptop, he noticed Lotte staring at him with a look of disbelief and several people giving him an approving “thumbs up”. He felt a surge of superhuman strength and agility and instantly knew what to do with it.

He calmly shut the window behind him and snapped off the handle of the lock. He then turned and bounded over naked bodies like a gymnast over springboard, used a 42 year old systems analyst as a pommel horse and vaulted to the top of the bed. Balancing on the headboard, he tore down a giant windows 7 banner from the ceiling and descended upon the naked software engineers. He began to pry bodies off of his fiancé and then immediately wrapped her in the windows 7 banner so that her arms and legs were pinned to the sides of her body. He then managed to flip her over his shoulder and charge out of the room without a word from anyone aside from Lotte, who was screaming like a banshee.

Years later, he would look back on his coke fueled performance and smile. Whenever he told people he had indeed crashed an orgy and locked everyone inside a bedroom, most people didn’t believe him. When he told them that he had thrown Lotte in the trunk and dropped her off naked and wrapped in a windows 7 banner on the front steps of her parent’s house, they unanimously called bullshit. But he didn’t mind, the experience had profoundly changed him. He quit his job at Cisco and lived comfortably working on his own open source software, the way he had always wanted to and most importantly, he chilled out. It took a smattering of disgusting sweaty bodies, an OS launch party and some cocaine to teach Jason that he could only be himself. He even bought a Mac for his new girlfriend and began using OSX.
©Alex Chinien 2009

This work draws from the following stories:

Host Your Own Awful Party For Windows 7